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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23792380">Saudade</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/SillyNonnyFicsAreForFandoms/pseuds/SillyNonnyFicsAreForFandoms'>SillyNonnyFicsAreForFandoms</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Sequor Suspirium [6]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>ActuallyStephen, DanPlan, actuallyoddplan</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alpha Jay, Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, Desperation, Fluff, Gavin has a fear of heights, Gavin has cats, Getting Together, I am very bad at tagging, Jay is a masochist, M/M, Making Out, Mentions of Stosuh, Mentions of an omega topping, Mild Angst, Mild Sexual Content, Mild panic at one point, Non-Traditional Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, Nostalgia, Omega Gavin, The pining is real, Worldbuilding, and dogs, fated mates, no beta we die like men</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-04-22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-04-22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-02 22:34:18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,177</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23792380</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/SillyNonnyFicsAreForFandoms/pseuds/SillyNonnyFicsAreForFandoms</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Gavin knew he should have said something to Jay before he left to go home. He knew that he should have given him his phone number. But he didn't and now he was stuck, his soul longing for something he couldn't have. Was Jay in a similar state? He didn't know. But all he wanted was to go back, to see him just one more time.</p>
<p>Saudade: An intimate feeling and mood caused by the longing for something absent that is being missed.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Jay Ko/Gavin Ng</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Sequor Suspirium [6]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1637188</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>42</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Saudade</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Welcome back to this AU! This one focuses very much on Gavin and Jay's relationship, which I'm extremely excited for!! Hope you all like it!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Gavin was tired. So, so, so tired. Everyone said that he should feel exhilarated after meeting his soul bonded, but that wasn’t true. Everything ached the second he hit the highway, though he had to focus on his driving so he didn’t get into an accident. Once he’d returned to his dorm, the last two weeks of classes ahead of him with dread upon the horizon, he built himself a nest and curled up with his pets. He knew he was lucky, his university allowed him to have his pets and no roommate under the guise of his own protection. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>His two dogs and cats were all allowed, so long as they brought him comfort, the cats stayed inside, and he took proper care of them. Technically, he didn’t even have classes until the end of the semester, but he was required to attend meetings and after-school activities. There were some clubs he was in, paperwork to fill out, and then he could go home. Omegas had special rules, with their semester ending earlier than Betas and Alphas, so they could move out before the last waves of relief from the long school year could come crashing down. It was known to cause Alphas to do unsavory things untowards omegas, even if they weren’t theirs, so as a precaution the omegas needed to be out by the last day of classes. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It had been almost a week since he left, with his boxes packed to go home for the summer, and his heart clenched as he stared at one of his hoodies. It was a bright yellow, a black embroidered hazard sign on the chest and all along the arms. The same hoodie he’d worn when they’d explained Hosuh’s situation to the Alphas, which he hadn’t washed since then, and reeked of Jay and Hosuh. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Gavin pressed it to his face, taking a deep breath and searching for the citrus scent his body craved, a fresh wave of tears coming over him. His cats cuddled up close to him, purring loudly as they nuzzled his body. He felt a familiar tickle at the back of his throat and nose, resisting the urge to sneeze. He should probably take his allergy medication, which he’d been ignoring doing so for the last few days, but he couldn’t bring himself to. His body felt like it was filled with lead weights, his head filled with fluff and cobwebs.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He’d done his research. He knew what this was. When soul bonded met, they needed to have contact to keep themselves healthy and happy until it settled, but everything slowly became worse. Right now, Jay was probably very happily knotting Hosuh, dealing with the last few waves of heat, and Gavin’s chest tightened. He shouldn’t be thinking about it.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>But now he was thinking about it.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He was very much thinking about how much he wanted to be with Jay, how much he missed his presence. Before, Gavin had never been one to linger on relationships, almost always being the one to break it off with previous lovers, and rarely did he end up regretting doing so. Once, in highschool, he’d been cheated on by one of his girlfriends, but the devastation passed within two weeks. Far faster than most everyone expected it to, though now he knew why. His wolf wanted no one but the other half of his soul, his true mate, his soul bond.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>But now, there was no way he could meet him again unless he went back to his brother’s house. He knew he’d be back, there was a surprise he’d yet to tell his brother, though it didn’t mean he felt any better about it. Jay didn’t want him. He didn’t care if it was platonic, he knew he needed to be around Jay. If not for his mental health, then for his physical health, and he knew Jay must be in a similar state. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Though, as an Alpha, it took a lot more to bring him to his knees. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>There was a purr from at his legs, and he looked down to see two black cats nuzzling themselves against him. He dropped the hoodie, reaching down to pet the little creatures. Right, he couldn’t focus on how crappy he felt; there were pets who needed to be fed. While his dogs may not be so bothersome about telling him they were hungry, they surely were. It was nice, knowing he had pets who depended on him, because then he couldn’t give up. Even if he felt a small bit of depression creep up on him, they reminded him that he needed to be strong for them. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He quickly fed them, a small smile on his face as the animals clustered around him. The rest of the day passed by quickly, finishing his packing and taking a quick walk with the dogs through the campus, meeting another omega walking a dog, before he returned to his dorm and readied himself for bed.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Gavin’s phone buzzed with a quick text, his parents letting him know that they would be there in the morning to come get his stuff with him, and he sighed. Being home would be nice, a change from how things were at university, but the half hour distance extra from his soul bonded didn’t ease the pangs in his chest. </span>
</p>
<hr/>
<p>
  <span>Jay knew when Gavin left. Not by schedule or prior knowledge, but by the sheer aching pain he felt course throughout his body at the distance. Love and romance had never been his forte, his interests laid moreso in one-night-stands. While spending Hosuh’s heat with him had been nice, seeing how obvious it was that the two were head over heels for one another, likely having imprinted as children, made him want to hurl. The little episode of Hosuh’s retreat into his wolf’s instincts, likely thinking that Jay’s presence there was a threat to him and any potential pups, bothered him in particular. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He wouldn't lie, at least once during his time with Hosuh, the image of a certain blue-haired Omega crossed his mind. The idea of being away from someone like him, so full of life and energy when he lacked such vibrancy and range, it felt as if he were in a droughted desert. Dry, overly barren, without something so essential for life.  Gavin was the rainstorm crashing through his ecosystem, restoring it slowly to life. If he was the overbearing heat, uncaring and destructive, then Gavin was the clouds which came to protect the land below.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Or perhaps he was the wind, blowing cool breezes to chill everyone from his rays. He could be a lake, the perfect way to relax in the summer. Jay didn't know. He only knew that he needed him. He needed him like he needed to breathe. No matter what they were together, it would be perfect. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>But that wasn't gonna happen. It was never going to happen because Jay wasn't a proper Alpha. Most people thought of Alphas like Stephen, openly vibrant and overly vocal, intensely protective, and domineering. Well, Jay was one of those things. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The thing is, Gavin was the other two. Which was likely why they were meant for one another. That didn't make it any easier, however, to know that Gavin exuded more Alpha qualities than he did. It didn't mean his body didn't ache for him, that his very soul didn't scream at the distance.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It was worth the odd stares he got in the bakery, lightly smelling still of Hosuh's heat as he ordered one of </span>
  <em>
    <span>every </span>
  </em>
  <span>blueberry treat they had. Muffins, croissants, tarts, pies, scones, a small cake for God sake, cheesecake, galettes, turnovers, cookies, donuts, bagels , but the one he was surprised about was something called a buckle. It reminded him almost of coffee cake, a treat which he quite enjoyed.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Yes, it had been very expensive, yes he knew he couldn't eat them all on his own, but he needed to find something which reminded him of the omega his soul craved. Sixteen boxes of baked goods delivered to his house later, Jay almost couldn't believe he was actually going to do this. He was going to try to find the one which reminded him most of Gavin. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The things desperate Alphas did when they needed their soul bonded but also absolutely refused to ask someone for their number. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>After three hours, Jay decided that, indeed, the pie smelled most like the omega. Second closest was either the muffin or the cookie, he couldn't tell, but he knew one thing. This was stupid and his inner Alpha was losing his mind. Everything made him want to scream and he'd never thought he'd be attracted to food of all things but it was driving him absolutely insane. Omegas got pain, but Alphas? As Jay was quickly discovering, they got desperation. He wished for the pain. He knew pain. He </span>
  <em>
    <span>liked </span>
  </em>
  <span>pain. There was a challenge to pain which he needed to meet, but desperation? No challenge, just insanity and lack of common sense. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>That was the first day of Jay's descent into blueberry induced madness. There was no lifeline, nothing to drag himself up from the pit he’d begun falling into, yet he remained determined not to fall to the will of his instinct.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>That lasted about three days and eight blueberry scented candles before his patience wore out. Jay overheard Stephen talking to Hosuh and Daniel about his brother, mentioning something about him going home from university, the thought alone causing his will to snap. He asked Hosuh for Gavin’s phone number, refusing absolutely to ask Stephen for the omega’s contact information, and shot off a set of texts. It wasn’t what he needed, but it was certainly a start.</span>
</p>
<hr/>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Hey, it’s Jay. I know we didn’t leave on the best of terms, and I don’t know how far away you are from my house, but maybe we could meet up somewhere. Actually get to know one another. :p ”</span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span>
      <br/>
    </span>
  </em>
  <span>Gavin didn’t know what to think when he received the text. On the one hand, his literal soulmate was contacting him. On the other hand, said soulmate also refused to acknowledge their bond beforehand. But also, Gavin was a hopeless romantic, wishing nothing but good things for his love. This wasn’t love, it was necessity. He wanted it to be love, he wanted it to be something more. He wanted it to be more than just something he needed to do for his health. And maybe one day, far off into the future once the demand of their wolves had been met, it could become something more. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>So he responded.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Hey! It’s Gavin! I’m pretty sure you already knew that because you contacted me, but whatever. I know there’s a hiking trail that’s about the halfway point between where we each live, so we could go try that. I have no idea if you even like hiking, so feel free to suggest stuff.”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He’d never been particularly patient, especially not so when it came to the matters of the heart, or generally ever. Thankfully, his anxious heart didn’t have to wait long, as Jay responded quickly.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Hiking sounds fun. We can talk out the details, I’m just looking forward to seeing you. We can have lunch.” </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Two days later, the pressure in his body building to an agonizing crescendo, Gavin was brought to the hiking trail by his sister. It was beginning to get warmer, but his body was unwilling to deal with the heat. He would start feeling better when Jay was close, or so he’d been told. As things were, he sat on one of the plethora of benches with his backpack, phone in his shaking hands while he watched people begin or end their hiking trek. Only one or two people stopped to ask him if he was okay, his scent must have reflected his pain, but he always waved them off with a smile.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>They didn’t need to worry about him. He would be fine. The separation of soul bonded couldn’t kill either party, they’d just live in agony for the rest of their lives.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He smelled Jay before he saw him, the citrine scent calming his nerves like a cool glass of lemonade on a sweltering summer day. He looked up from his phone and smiled as he saw the alpha, his hair messier than normal, as far as he’d seen. His mismatched eyes stared down at Gavin for a brief second before the omega found himself being hauled up from the seat, the pain receding from his body at the contact before their lips crashed together for a brief moment. His inner omega sang and trilled in ecstasy, finally getting the contact he needed. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The kiss was one of the messiest that Gavin had ever had the pleasure of partaking in. He’d never felt weak at the knees from a simple kiss, no matter how good the kisser, but this sent shivers of electric heat through his entire body. Jay let out a small snarl against his mouth, possessive and long as the secluded entryway to the hiking trail hid them from view of most passerby.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Gavin tapped against his chest a few times as they kissed, and they separated. Lightly panting, the both of them stared into one another’s eyes. Everything was perfect. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Wow, b-buddy, isn’t that a little forward? I mean, you haven’t even taken me out to dinner yet-!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I have been going crazy, do you know how crazy you make me? The amount of times I’ve thought about your scent…” Jay nuzzled himself against Gavin’s neck, while Gavin sighed.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh, I know. So, you ready to go hiking?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m ready to climb the mountain.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Gavin froze. His entire body tensed and seized up as he processed what was said. A chill washed over his body. Mountain? How had he missed it? How had he missed the point of the hiking trail was to climb the mountain, which he could </span>
  <em>
    <span>fall from</span>
  </em>
  <span>, his vision swam as he thought of how </span>
  <em>
    <span>high </span>
  </em>
  <span>he would be. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>His chest was tight, breath gone in a way all too familiar as he began to shake, blurred vision from the tears quickly overwhelmed him. His stomach turned, uncontrollable fear taking hold of his being. His scent began to sour, and he felt hyper aware of everything going on around him. Why was it hard to breathe? Jay stared at him for a second, taking his hands softly and his warmth sent a small soothing comfort.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s okay to be afraid. Fear of heights is normal, I’ll hold you so you don’t fall. Or we can stay here on the ground.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I- I can’t even- No-”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“C’mon, bluebell, just breathe. I’ve got you. We’re going to the lake, and we’re having our food there. We can walk around the lake.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He wasn’t going to let Gavin think about how high up they would be on the mountain. Sure, it would be gorgeous, but his partner’s mental health was infinitely more important. So he carefully walked with him over towards the lake, a ten minute walk away from the hiking trail. They were about the same height, but he couldn’t tell if Gavin was tall for an omega or if he was short. Gavin hid his face in Jay’s jacket, mostly against his shoulder, trying to calm down as he let his heart calm down. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He’d always been scared of heights, but there was no reason he should have reacted so badly. It must’ve been his time away from his soulmate, leaving his walls lower than he recalled them having been. He shouldn’t have panicked.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Jay set up a small picnic for them in a secluded area of the woods near the lake, even with a blanket spread out over the ground, which he’d apparently had in his bag, and they sat down as they grabbed the food from their bags. Gavin had made stew the previous day, a hearty beef stew stored in a set of canisters, while Jay had brought a few different sandwiches. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Jay made a face as he saw the soup, though it smelled absolutely delicious.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Ground bone, blood of a beast, and the heart of my enemy...”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What?” Gavin turned to him, staring at the canister with a small chuckle, “No, it’s just normal beef stew. Maybe I used too much garlic but no-”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s a joke,” Jay laughed and closed the canister, “Ya know? Can you recognize the pattern? Don’t you watch the videos?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Sometimes? Stephen told me not to watch some of them and that was definitely one of them.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Live a little, c’mon.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh?” Gavin leaned in close, a smirk on his face which Jay recognized in the fashion of his brother, “Really now? I don’t have to listen to my brother.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It seems like you’re a well trained omega puppy, bluebell.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Gavin grinned, reaching over and grabbing the Alpha’s wrists. In one fluid motion, he pressed Jay into the ground and found himself settled over his hips, hearing a soft </span>
  <em>
    <span>oof</span>
  </em>
  <span> from the impact against the dirt and blanket. Distantly, he recognized that the canister probably also fell, but all he knew in that moment was the taunt from Jay and the wonderful, absolutely overpowering scent of sweet grapefruit and oranges making its way to his nose.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He saw the recognition of surprise from the Alpha beneath him, the sight making his inner omega immensely pleased. The blue haired omega leaned down to Jay’s ear and blew softly, relishing in the soft shudder it caused before he whispered a low, deep response.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You’ll see how well trained I am when I’m fucking you into the mattress. Or would the big, strong Alpha prefer it out here, where everyone could see his omega taking the reins?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Jay gave a guttural moan, his mismatched eyes holding a passionate interest which only burned brighter with every word. He’d been warned that Gavin was no normal omega, male or otherwise, just as he was no normal Alpha. Because, to him at least, that proposition sounded better than being offered a million dollars. Not one of his previous partners had ever been willing to indulge this little hidden want of him, but this wonderful omega atop him guessed it on their first date.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“However you want me, little cutie.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The grin twitched, royal purple meeting yellow and red, a common realization passing between them. Every little taunt would only serve to make Gavin more intense, giving in to what his Alpha really wanted. Absolutely delicious. No one noticed them, hidden by the trees and the lack of people traversing, and that was just fine for them.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>If Hosuh and Stephen could be the sun and moon, chasing one another through the sky with brief moments together, couldn't the two of them be an oasis? A slice of heaven on Earth to their desperate and weary souls.  The wind may blow and howl, dry storms wracking the landscape, but the oasis survived. </span>
</p>
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